Good Girl Brainwashing
“She is a good girl.” My teachers said. “She always follows directions.”
“She is a good girl.” My coaches said. “She always works so hard.”
“She is a good girl.” My parents said. “She always finishes her homework.”
“I am a good girl,” I echoed, and diligently marched forwards towards their imaginary finish line.
“Good girl” was a coveted compliment, a clear acknowledgment of my value, and its repeated emphasis confirmed to me that it was the most desirable thing to be.
Looking back, I wish someone had told me that being a “good girl” was not a prize, it was a trap. A trap that came with insurmountable expectations and invisible chains of self-doubt and shame.
‘Was I good enough? Did they approve? Did they love me?’
As I learned to rely upon the voices of authority figures around me, their approval became an anchor of my self-worth, and my success a reflection of theirs.
When I received praise, I felt relief in meeting their expectations - I was the good girl they wanted me to be; but when I didn’t, the oppressive weight of their disappointment immediately triggered a deep sense of guilt and shame I could never seem to shake away.
The result of this pavlovian response was that I developed the belief that my value hinged upon my achievements… I became my teacher’s pet, my coach’s favorite, my parent’s gold-medal winning, ivy league bound daughter, but I never learned to be my own friend.
Here’s the thing, all good girls grow up, and when we do, we soon realize the patterns that served us as girls have suddenly become severe detriments to us as women. Good girl behavior - Obedience, politeness, self-effacing modesty, perfection - becomes:
People pleasing
Not asking for help
Avoiding conflict and confrontation
Not speaking up
Putting our own needs last
Not advocating for our worth
Not asserting personal boundaries
Without consciously realizing it, every seemingly small, insignificant moment of repressed silence slices away a piece of our personal power. Repeated enough times, these moments deepen into scars, creating cycles of self-sabotaging behavior and self-limiting beliefs that become harder and harder to break. When we adopt the belief that our voices are somehow secondary to those around us...
We begin to believe it is best to remain silent about our needs, wants and desires.
We begin to believe it is best to keep our opinions and questions to ourselves.
We begin to believe it is best to diminish ourselves and stay small for the sake of others’ comfort.
… But at some point, no matter how hard it is, we must choose to break these vicious cycles.
A woman’s voice is the foundation of her personal power, and it begins by recognizing that her own voice, ideas, and opinions have weight, especially as it relates to how she lives her own life.