Enoughness IRL: Coaching SEssion
If I really loved and respected myself, would I be allowing this in my life?
Every narrative we tell ourselves benefits us in some way - even the negative ones. It's easy to take the role of the victim. When we normalize negative self-talk and blaming other people for our problems, we forsake the burden of responsibility for our own lives. It's easier to sit back, but in doing so we also give up our #power and #agency.
I started diving into the concept of #Enoughness in 2016. I found myself constantly playing small or not using my voice. Someone else asked me, “How is that narrative actually serving you"?” I realized by feeling not enough, the pattern that I had created for myself was to work extra hard.. I did everything I could to get straight A's to get gold medals, to get the right job, to get the right investors, to get, X, Y, Z.
And even though it was to a detriment of my health, when I attained success I got the dopamine hit, and it would continue the vicious cycle. There was this fear if I stop, that means I'm lazy or I'm settling or, and becoming apathetic. Having that awareness is the first step of tackling Enoughness.
In this week's episode of the #Enoughness podcast I conduct a live coaching session with several female leaders in my coaching program. We discuss
How the feeling of not being enough drives us
How to replace passive negativity with proactive confidence and action
How to identify and release narratives that are no longer serving us
How to achieve "Fierce Focus" to prioritize the things that matter most
How is the feeling of Not Enoughness actually benefiting you on a subconscious level and what you can do to release that?
Jessica
I'll jump in. I think mine is similar as you're saying it. By playing that story in my mind, I then work really hard. It benefits me because I don't have to say ‘No’ to things. I don't have to actually take the time to prune and to remove, extra things in my life.
It's so easy for me to say yes and just take on more. The idea of having to tell a client, “I'm sorry, you're too small for me now or I'm passionate about this, but I just don't have the bandwidth or the capacity,” is too much. I am, maybe, spending time on things that aren't going to give me a bigger return later. It's about the convenience of not having to prune and say no and avoid conflict.
Lisa
Have you found that you're more aware of times when you're allowing those personal boundaries to be crossed? Would you say that's still your main challenge?
Jessica
My husband will be the one to tell me, “You're doing too much or you're trying to prove something.” He knows me well enough to know that's what it is.
I wonder if it's more of the dopamine thing like you said, I left my career. I left corporate America almost two years ago. And the plan was that I was going to take some time off to rest and relax. And within six weeks I had a business already moving. In my mind, I was taking time off.
Nadine
I'd like to jump in about Enoughness. So, my dad told me, when I was fairly young, that he was very disappointed that I was a girl and not a boy. And that was a narrative really played throughout my whole life. I told myself ‘I'll be successful enough and better than a boy, I'll start my own business, I'll be the CEO, I'll be the inventor;, all this kinds of stuff. And I remember how hurtful that was. So looking back, it was a motivator.
There could have been other, more healthy ways of feeling motivated and actually enjoying the success rather than feeling not enough and trying to be the boy that I never could be.
Jasmyn
I think I'm along the lines of Jessica, it’s just the fear of confrontation. If I just keep working, especially like in my old corporate role with my boss, I'll show her I am enough and how smart I am. Because I can't really tell her that I don't agree with her and what she's doing is wrong. That just wasn't the place for it. So I tried to overcompensate by doing the things that I knew we should be doing, just so I didn't have to have that uncomfortable confrontation with her.
Lisa
Have you found any strategies recently to assert those boundaries?
Jasmyn
I think now I'm a completely different world. I'm in the startup world and I remind myself every day, ‘You wouldn't be here if you didn't know what you were doing, take the authority that you have over your role and be strong.’ Sometimes before big meetings, the reminder of ‘They put me in this role for a reason and they trust me. I do know more than most people about my base and sphere,” really helps.
Lisa
I think that's really part of the power of having these coaching and sharing sessions because it helps us realize things like feeling small, not being able to say no, avoiding conflict, is actually a universal struggle. And it's especially something that afflicts women. Hearing other women who are saying essentially what you're feeling, you're like, ‘How in the world does she not see how incredible she is? how can she not cherish her space and her time and realize what she has is?’ a really powerful reframe.
Thanks for listening, I appreciate you, and am here for you.
~ Lisa Carmen Wang, Founder, The GLOW, Leadership Coaching for Powerful Women